I’ve been married for five years. In those five years, I learned there are seasons. There was a season of happiness when everything was going well; we met each other’s needs and were on the same page. Then there was a season of sadness. My dad died eight months after I got married. My father was the first man I ever loved, and I was a daddy’s girl. He lost his 10-year battle with cancer. My daddy fought to the end. My husband helped me find a therapist to help me through the grieving process. Going to counseling saved me and my marriage. I’m grateful I did the work. I still miss my father, but I can handle things better, and it allows me to be a better wife, friend, employee, business owner, and overall mentally healthy/stable. Now, I am going through a season of feeling like my husband is not doing enough, and I need him to take control. I’m a boss lady in many areas of my life, and I don’t want to be the boss in my marriage. I know my role, and I want my husband to be the head of the household. Ladies, this doesn’t mean he needs to make all the money. The common seasons you may go through in your marriage:
- No sex
- Financial
- How to raise the kids
- No date nights
- No time for self
- You do everything, and your spouse doesn’t help
- Infidelity
- Mental and/or physical abuse
- Abandonment
- No/lack of intimacy
I can go on with this list, but I think you understand. Also, you may have two or three seasons happening simultaneously. I’ve been there. Are you there right now? Do the following steps before you say it’s done, and this marriage is over.
Seek Marriage Counseling for self/couple
The best decision I made was to see a counselor when my dad died. My culture doesn’t believe in therapy. I was told to pray about it and move on. I did that for years. Yes, praying works, but I was still having some issues. A dear friend told me to get help ASAP because if I don’t, my old baggage, insecurities, and drama will show up in my marriage, business, friendships, and everyday life. I still see my counselor today. She helps me with issues in my marriage, how to be a better person, communicate effectively, and take care of my mental health.
Taking care of your mental health is essential. Many people want to divorce because they want out of the situation. They want the bleeding and pain to stop. Doing the work is hard and ugly, and most like the rewards of marriage, but when it gets hard, we want to exit out the back door. Many go and have an affair thinking they will find what they need in another man. One of the many things I learned in counseling is that most of my issues are caused because I reacted and didn’t listen, and I wanted things to go my way. I also learned from my therapist that I married a person’s history and not the person. When you get married, you marry a person, but you marry everything that person has gone through. They bring years of drama, pain, emotional baggage, and whatever else life gave them. After the honeymoon phase is over, you have to figure out how to support this person and love them. Learn not to judge and accept them for who they are without wanting to change them.
If your spouse does not want to go to counseling, you go and get the help you need. So, if you decide to leave and date/marry again, you will not bring old/new issues into a new relationship
Can you leave and be financial, okay?
I can’t say this enough: if you are married or single, have your financial life in order. It’s your responsibility – no one else. We live in a time where knowledge and making money are at your fingertips. Always be prepared, so you don’t have to get ready. Hire a financial mentor to help you with your financial world. I give 30-minute mentoring sessions at no cost. Book time with me so you can get the help you need.
Quick Financial Checklist:
- Do you have a full-time job?
- Do you have at least three months of expenses saved?
- If you have children, do you have daycare for them? Do you pay for it if you’re not getting child support?
Read my blog: Divorce Checklist for Women. This blog will give you more information and resources. Before you throw in the towel, do the work. If you complain, nag, and point the finger, things will not change. You must do the work together. One more thing, please read this book: The 5 Love Languages. Take the quiz to discover your love language. This will help your marriage to learn how your husband loves. Do the quiz together; it’s fun!
Be aware, be informed!